


Line my seamed up join

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Romance, Gen, M/M, mentions of past rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:46:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9237671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: Robert Sugden returns to Emmerdale in 2016, having been sent away at the age of 16 to a boarding school, and disappearing seemingly off the face of the earth after that. He returns a smug, self-satisfied and arrogant man. But he hides a secret; a past which has ruined him twice over, and he is determined not to let it happen a third time. Things have a way of never truly fading away, however. This time though, his life will be turned around by one Aaron Dingle.Written for a tumblr prompt ON HIATUS





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Yes, I know, another multi-chapter fic! (Whilst you're here, though, 'Sailing ships' will be on temporary hiatus, though I will still be updating 'Big spender' and 'It can't be unlearned' as regularly as I can, and this one perhaps won't be as long as ICBU, and definitely not as long as BS.) This fic is based on an amazing prompt on tumblr by @justlivealietonight
> 
> A note on the setting: this fic takes place in 2016. As the summary says, Robert was sent to boarding school at the age of 16, so there are some details of his past which I've taken the liberty of erasing or changing (this will be mentioned in fic, however). As for Aaron's past, the affair with Robert didn't happen in this fic, nor (as per the prompter's wishes) did his abuse at the hands of Gordon. This, again, will be mentioned in fic, as will everything else that DID happen in Aaron's past.

_‘You’re mine, Robert Sugden. No one else wants you. So you’re mine.’_

****

When things got too much for him (when 'divorce' had passed his wife's lips, when inklings of a recurring nightmare started to gather like grating sand in a storm, when the new guy at work started to remind him too much of—) Robert decided it was time to return home. Emmerdale wasn't an extremely happy place for him, but he knew that he'd be welcomed by his sister if nothing else, and a bit of welcome and comfort was what he needed right now.

So he called her to hear her squeal of happiness when he told her of his return, and he asked her to ask around about jobs or businesses. 'Something to keep me busy' he'd said.

It was how he came to step out of a taxi feeling satisfied with the life he had built, at the life he had left behind (all three instalments of the life he had left behind), and looking ahead at the new life he needed to build for himself.

_'I'm sending you away because I don't know what else to do, son.'_

_'So you're giving up on me?! Mum died last year, Dad! I'm sorry if exams aren't the only thing on my mind right now!'_

_'It's not just that; it's your entire attitude! Even now, answering back at me! I've made the decision and the decision is final!'_

'Missed me?' he asked a shocked Victoria before he was squeezed almost to within an inch of his life by his sister. He laughed. 'Hey, come on, you knew I was coming!'

'Yeah, but I didn't think it would be this soon!' Her voice was muffled by his jacket which her mouth was pressed against. It reminded him of when they were young, and Robert held her tighter as well for a moment.

No one else looked pleased to see him, but Robert had expected that: he hadn't been popular when he was a teenager, and during his summer and Christmas holidays when he'd come back from boarding school, he managed to get himself into a lot of trouble, as well as break a few local hearts as well. 

But it didn't deter him. He knew what he was coming back to, and never had the phrase 'Better the devil you know' been more applicable than to Emmerdale village.

**** 

‘Why didn’t you come back after you finished at boarding school?’ Victoria asked.

‘Because I wanted to start fresh.’

They were sitting in her house (his little sister _owned a house_ ) which she shared with her husband (his little sister was _married_ ). Vic had made them both a cup of tea, and they smiled sadly at each other when she had to ask how he took it these days. ‘Milk and one sugar,’ he had said. He preferred coffee, but he wasn’t about to get fussy when Victoria had that sad look on her face. 

She looked down into the dregs of her tea now (probably long since gone cold; his own empty mug was cold in Robert’s hands) and furrowed her brow. ‘You could’ve started fresh here,’ she said.

Robert put his mug on the table and sighed. He wondered when this would be brought up. In all the times that they had talked to each other (whether briefly or not), Vic had never asked him to come home, and he respected and loved her for that. But now that he was here, it seemed that she wanted to have those answers. ‘I just—’ he carded his fingers through his short hair. ‘I just couldn’t come back here; after everything. I needed to find something on my own; I needed something new.’

(It was only partly true. The rest of it was that he was harbouring a secret that he at once couldn’t divulge but also didn’t have the strength to hang on to if he was around people that he loved; people from his old life. So he took the option out of his own hands and stayed away.)

‘And now you’re back because…?’

‘Because the divorce is going through, and because I lost my job at the firm.’ He caught her look, the look that said she was ready for a confrontation, that maybe—just maybe—he was just using them until he was back on his feet and would disappear again. ‘That, and I wanted… familiar surroundings I guess. I wanted my family.’

‘We’ve always been here.’

‘I know.’ 

But never in the capacity in which he needed them. Always, he remembered Jack Sugden forcing him to boarding school—that he was 16 and technically his own man didn’t factor with Jack—forcing him to leave the memory of his mother; forcing him to confront the ugly truth that even after Andy had been the one to set fire to the barn, _Robert_ was the one being sent away. The irony of it all (or maybe it wasn’t irony, but it had felt like that some days) was that the money that they got from the insurance (the reason why Andy had set fire to the barn and burnt their mother alive at the same tragic time) was used to pay for the boarding school fees. 

‘But I needed something… new. Something different.’

She nodded. Robert could see that the answer wasn’t enough for her, but she let it go regardless. ‘So what happened with your marriage? You never actually said.’

His back stiffened. _Nights lost to nightmares, snapping at Chrissie, snapping at her son, recurring thoughts of control and not good enough and not loved enough until it was all too much; it was too much for them all._

‘We just… fell out of love. I stopped missing her when she went away; she stopped making up excuses as to why she couldn’t work late so that we could spend time together.’ It was partly true: all of that natural affection and gravity they felt towards each other had gone. 

Victoria frowned at him. ‘You weren’t… cheating on her? Were you?’

And it hurt, because Vic was too young to understand the whole concept of it when he had been here; when he had lived here. So she was picking up on what others had told her about him, on what their Dad and Andy had told her about him. He ground his teeth together, but forced them to loosen when he shook his head and said, ‘No, I wasn’t. We just weren’t compatible anymore.’ That, too, she dropped, until they were sitting in a stale and freezing silence. He cleared his throat. ‘So, did you find any work for me?’

She bit her lip. ‘You’re not gonna like it…’

**** 

He didn’t like it. But the garage was the only place that he could work at right now. Debbie Dingle had left, had taken the kids with her, and her half of the garage was on the business market. It had been for the past half a year, in fact, which was why Vic could say with confidence the night that she told Robert about it ‘Cain won’t say no. He can’t afford to.’

He slept in her spare room that night. He didn’t sleep easily. In the morning, she teased him about it. ‘Bet you’re used to those four-poster beds, and goose-feather pillows, eh?’

He smiled at her and nudged her. The room, though cramped, was fine. But it had reminded him too much of his room at the boarding school. It reminded him of loneliness and the shouting of other boys and the calm whispered words of…

‘Robert?’ 

When he blinked and looked at her, Vic was frowning. ‘You alright?’ she asked.

‘Yeah.’

‘Your hands’re shakin’.’

They were. So much so that ripples were forming on the surface of his tea. He gripped the mug in both hands and tried to steady them. He didn’t give an explanation, and although she didn’t ask for one, he felt Victoria’s steady gaze on him.

‘I’m goin’ to see Cain today,’ he told her.

She raised both eyebrows. ‘Really? Wow, you’re not wasting any time are you?’

‘Best to get things moving, isn’t it. I need to see about getting my own place as well.’

‘I don’t think there’re any places around.’

‘I’ll have to find _something_.’

‘What’s wrong with staying here?’ she asked, offended as if he had insulted her house, or the space she had offered him.

‘Nothing,’ he rushed to say. ‘But I can’t live here with my baby sister and her husband.’ Who he still hadn’t met, as Adam was away on a delivery for his Mum at the farm.

‘Why not? I don’t mind. Adam won’t either.’

‘Vic, he doesn’t even _know_ me. How do you know if he’ll mind or not?’

She shrugged and smiled. ‘I’ll make sure he doesn’t,’ she said, and he decided to pretend it was cryptic rather than that he’d need to invest in a pair of earbuds very soon. 

‘I’ll think about it,’ he said. He gulped back the last of his tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘Right. I’m off to see a man about a garage.’

She smiled at his lame joke. ‘Good luck! Oh, Robert, maybe when you’re done we can go and see Diane for lunch?’

The suggestion brought Robert up short. He hadn’t seen Diane yesterday (probably because he had arrived quite late in the day), and to be honest when he saw his stepmum, he’d prefer it to be on his terms. But he nodded and agreed anyway. To keep the peace.

**** 

Cain was at the garage when Robert arrived, as was another man: tall, black hair and beard and—when he turned to see the source of the footsteps up the gravelled path—a vacant expression, though a face not without some merit, Robert supposed. 

‘Can I help?’ the man asked.

Robert pointed to Cain, who had his back to them, leaning on the bench. ‘I’m here to see Cain,’ he said. The guy looked him up and down, but before he could say anything, Cain Dingle had turned and caught sight of him.

‘Victoria said you were comin’ back. And that you were lookin’. I didn’t believe her.’

Robert opened his arms in a way which he had been assured in the past was showy and aggravating. ‘Well, here I am.’

‘Here you are.’ Cain’s grin was like a dagger. ‘Ross, take a break, yeah?’

‘I just started!’

The older man glared at him. ‘Go and take yourself for a walk,’ he said. 

The guy—Ross, apparently—shook his head but left all the same. Robert didn’t watch him go, but he kept a keen ear on when his footfalls were out of earshot.

‘Will I be expected to talk to the staff like that as well?’ he asked.

Cain leaned back on the car that needed fixing. ‘Bit presumptuous, that,’ he said. ‘What makes you think that you can buy into the garage?’

‘Because according to Vic, Debbie’s part of the business has been on the market for half a year now. Seems that you may be desperate enough.’

‘To have you co-own it?’

‘To make an easy sale to someone who has ready cash.’

Had it been anyone else, Robert would have been a lot more charming, a lot more business-like. But this was Cain, and it was the local garage. If he didn’t get it, he didn’t get it; and he was hardly going to use his skill, charm and knowledge on the likes of Cain Dingle.

‘After what you did to our Debs—’

‘That was _years_ ago,’ Robert said, rolling his eyes. ‘I’m sure she’s forgiven plenty of people for less than what I did to her.’

Cain studied him, and for the first time Robert felt intimidated, though he wasn’t about to let the local thug onto that. ‘You’re nothing like your old man, you know.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I didn’t mean it as a compliment.’

‘Tough.’ He shifted his stance. The pissing competition was getting tiring. ‘Look, I know a lot about cars: I worked here during the summer, remember? And I know a lot about business as well. All the stuff with Debbie… it’s in the past. If it makes it better, I’ll stay out of your way: we’ll arrange things so that we aren’t on the same shift or something.’

He watched the thoughtful expression waltz on Cain Dingle’s face, saw the cogs turning in his mind, and the manifest of his thoughts in the biting of his lip and the screwing up of his mouth. ‘You have the money to buy now?’

‘Yeah. I can call my bank, get it sorted by the end of the week.’

‘If things weren’t so desperate, Sugden, you know that you wouldn’t stand a chance.’

‘If things weren’t so desperate, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.’ He didn’t know how much back-chat he could get away with, but from the way that Cain smirked, Robert figured that that one was okay. Just about. 

‘Get it sorted then. I’ll have the contract ready for you.’

He almost snorted because one of the Dingles _writing_ let alone a contract was kind of laughable. He kept it in though and pulled his phone out of his pocket as he walked away.

**** 

During the walk to Diane’s where Vic had said she’d meet him, Robert shed his outer layers of confidence and smug satisfaction like a snake shedding its skin. It wasn’t purposeful, but it was thinking of returning to the scrutiny of the woman that had taken on the duties of mother since he was 15 years old. It was the thought of greeting Diane again and sitting with her; the woman who had wanted nothing but for Jack and his kids to be happy and healthy and whole after Jack’s death. Robert didn’t see her as a mother, though he knew she tried her hardest. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her as such, nor was he purposefully making himself emotionally unavailable to her. 

_(Though maybe that was part of it: if no one else, his mother figure should have noticed how quietly morose he was when he was on holiday from school; she should have seen that there wasn’t something right, she should have known from the way he talked that he had no friends to speak of. But maybe that was laying too much responsibility of having to know him at Diane’s feet, and Robert knew that he wasn’t easy to get to know, and once anyone did know the first mask he showed them, they didn’t often like what they saw.)_

Diane made him vulnerable in a way that not many others did, not even Vic. Maybe it was because of his expectation of ‘Mother’, but she had let him down in one way or another. But every time, the expectations were there. And so he shed his layers and he stood with a hammer and chisel to his walls, ready and waiting to knock them down if need be. They weren’t usually required, but Robert and Diane hadn’t seen each other in years, so maybe things were set to change.

She worked at the B&B now, having sold her half of the pub to Charity Dingle (of all people!), and that was where Vic instructed him to meet them. He took a deep breath and strode into the Grange. Eric was on the desk, and Robert smirked. 

‘Uncle Eric,’ he said just to be annoying. 

The man startled and had to look twice at him before he recognised his step-nephew, but when he did he smiled—the first smile apart from Victoria’s that he’d seen since he returned. ‘Ahhh, the prodigal son returns I see. For how long this time?’

Robert shrugged nonchalantly. ‘We’ll have to see,’ he said. As if he were twenty instead of thirty and wasn't teetering _just_ on the edge of a breakdown, the only thing keeping him back a rope tied messily around his waist. ‘But probably for a while.’ He shuffled around before saying, ‘I’m sorry about Auntie Val.’

Eric seemed to curl in on himself a little, though from what Vic had told Robert about the way he hadn’t coped months after his wife’s unexpected death, this was an improvement. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘As were we all.’

The younger man nodded. He didn’t do well with comforting people, so he moved swiftly on. ‘ Is Diane in?’

‘Yes, go through.’ 

He did, and a glance back at Eric saw him looking a little pensively at the wall, before smiling sadly and going back to his paperwork. A definite improvement then.

‘Oh, Robert, look at you! I hardly recognised you!’

Before he could say anything, he was enveloped in the arms of his stepmother. He hugged her back unsurely, but when he smelled her scent which somehow remained familiar even after ten years away, he fell into her embrace properly. ‘Hi, Diane,’ he said when she finally let him go.

‘Hello, pet.’ Her smile was huge, and Robert felt something warm settle in his stomach. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for the kudos and comments for the first chapter. I apologise profusely for the wait! This may seem like a bit of a none-chapter, but I'm setting things up :) Happy reading

The thing with Diane was that she put on a good show. 

Robert had always thought that his Mum would be around forever. Not in the ‘she’s not going to die’ sense, but in the sense that once she and his Dad got married, that would be it. His childhood played out like a series of slideshow pictures (when he stayed still long enough to think about it): Sarah, Jack, Robert happy; then the addition of Andy and Victoria, happier; Christmases and birthdays spent together, Robert feeling steadily unhappier, and then Diane. 

Diane had been there before Sarah died, and she remained there after her death as well. Andy and Vic welcomed her, as did Robert. But he was sent away before he had a chance to get to know her. He noticed things during lunch, not that they were easily missed, but rather that Diane or Vic didn’t try and hide it: the little inside jokes shared between them which caused a nudge and a smile, a certain smile of thanks without words exchanged when Vic took away the empty plates, Diane directing the conversation to the farm and Adam instead of to Robert in the spaces between when the silence sat heavy like a duvet on a hot night. Robert felt out of place and isolated. 

‘Go to David’s, pet,’ Diane requested of Vic, ‘and pick up one of those bottles of red wine; you know the one I like.’ Vic nodded and accepted the twenty pound note that Diane slipped into her hand. On her way out the door, Vic squeezed Robert’s shoulder, and he suddenly became aware of her absence, as though she had left a crater behind. Diane smiled at him though and picked up the bottle of white on the table. He covered his glass with his hand, with a ‘not for me, thanks,’ accompanied with a smile. 

‘So,’ Diane said, her words riding a sigh. ‘You’re back for a while, are you?’

Robert nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, for a while.’

‘Good. Only, Victoria told me you were here this morning, and I half-expected you to be gone by lunchtime.’ She said it with a light chuckle, but he saw the seriousness in her eyes and he heard how her fingernails tapped on the table. He swallowed.

‘I’m here for a while,’ he said. The clock ticked and tocked, and he looked down at his hands in his lap. The silence was deafening. ‘Whatever you’ve got to say, you might as well say it now,’ he said. ‘Vic will be back soon.’

Her voice remained mild when she said without hesitation, ‘I’m not sure what you’re here for, Robert, and I am glad you’re back, pet. But Victoria is so happy to see you, and I don’t want you to let her down again.’

‘Well at least that’s something we can both agree on,’ he said. ‘I don’t intend on hurting Vic, and when I do decide to leave, I’ll tell her.’

‘So you will leave?’

‘Sometime, yeah. I’m not staying here forever.’ Her eyebrow arched in the way that Chrissie’s had when he said something particularly haughty, even by her standards. 

‘Have you been to see your Mum and Dad yet?’ Diane asked, instead of addressing what was clearly on her mind.

‘Not yet. I was going to go this afternoon.’ He’d buy a bunch of flowers for his Mum and a single rose for his Dad. 

‘You didn’t come to your Dad’s funeral.’

He had, but he had kept his distance and remained by the bridge. He didn’t have the courage and he didn’t have the benevolence. Jack had wronged him, and Robert held onto that: he knew that he should have forgiven, but death didn’t absolve much. ‘Is Andy still here?’ he asked instead of an answer.

Her eyes seemed to light up at the mention of Andy’s name, and Robert felt the familiar (unwanted, petty, childish) bitterness rise like bile in his throat. ‘He and Katie have gone on honeymoon. A belated one: she had an accident just after the wedding. They left last week.’

It was that conversation that Vic walked in on, and she smiled as she handed the bottle to Diane. ‘Andy and Katie? Yeah, you should’ve seen their wedding, Rob! It was gorgeous! Katie looked like a princess!’

Robert forced a smile and nodded. ‘She got her happy ending then, did she?’

‘They both did,’ Diane agreed.

He nodded. ‘I’m happy for them.’ He searched around for something else to talk about. He wasn’t still in love with Katie, but there was something about she and Andy heading off into the sunset together, seemingly without a care in the world, which left something sour behind. ‘I’m buying into the garage,’ he said.

Diane spluttered and almost choked on her first sip of red wine. ‘The garage? Does Cain know?’

‘Yeah, I’ve just been to see him. He wasn’t best pleased.’ He couldn’t help a small smirk from pulling at his lips. He wouldn’t willingly admit it, but he was kind of enjoying the prospect of working at the garage. It was something wholly different from his old job, and he felt less like he had to keep on a definite straight and narrow the way he had done in London. He caught the way Diane’s lips pursed, and knew that she was trying to hold something in. ‘What?’ he asked her. Better for her to come out and say it now rather than let it fester for weeks or months.

‘Just be careful, pet,’ she said. ‘With everything that happened with you and Debbie, the way you led her on like you did… well, Cain holds onto a grudge.’

‘I don’t know,’ Vic piped up. ‘He seems to have mellowed a _lot_ ever since he married Moira.’

‘Cain Dingle is _married_?!’ Robert yelped. It was one thing having his sister married, but the local village bad boy _settling down_? ‘And to someone who isn’t Charity Dingle?’

Vic grinned. ‘You’ve missed a lot, Rob.’ And she leant over the table and proceeded to tell him everything that he had missed.

**** 

It had been a good distraction for a while. Victoria’s gossip—she had learned to gossip with the best of them, Robert found out—kept his mind occupied. But eventually, after Diane had grinned and left them alone when Eric popped around the door to ask why he was suddenly running the place alone, the talk dried up, and Robert felt the pressure of the village again. 

They left the B&B, Vic threading her arm through Robert’s, as if afraid to let him go for too long whilst they were out in the open. When they walked past a shop—the sign above it proudly proclaimed it as _David’s_ —with an abundance of empty buckets of water and a few bunches of flowers here and there, Robert brought her to a stop. ‘I need to get some flowers for Mum and Dad,’ he said quietly.

Victoria looked at him for a good long while, her big eyes reflecting all the sympathy that Robert wouldn’t have accepted from anyone else. ‘Yeah, course.’ She unlinked their arms. ‘Do you want me to go with you?’

‘I think this is something I need to do alone,’ he said. She nodded reluctantly, and her brow creased in a sorrow-filled frown. He kissed her temple. ‘Don’t worry; I’m not gonna run off. All my stuff is at yours, isn’t it?’

‘What, a single bag with a few expensive shirts and cologne?’ She said it with a chuckle though, and from that Robert knew he had earned her trust. 

‘Yeah, well I’m not about to abandon those, am I?’

She smiled and pushed him towards the flowers gently. ‘If I’m not at home, I’ll be at the pub,’ she said. ‘I have a shift later this evening.’

‘So I’ll be home alone?’ The question—laced with frenzy and panic—fell from his lips before he could even process it.

His sister smiled, even as she looked curious about his tone. ‘Yeah. It’s not like the house is _haunted_ or anythin’!’

He forced a laugh. ‘Yeah, no, course. It’s just—’ He hunted around for anything to say. ‘It’s just that it’s the first time after the divorce, you know?’

Her face fell. ‘Oh god. I’m so sorry, Rob, I didn’t even think of that. Come to the pub, yeah? If I’m not at home.’

He felt awful for lying to her, especially when her reaction was so sincere. Well, it wasn’t really a lie: it would be the first time he’d been on his own since the divorce, but that wasn’t what would be keeping a fresh scotch in his hand throughout the night, keeping memories at bay with each burning mouthful. He nodded, and waited until she was already walking away before selecting the flowers.

**** 

Brown, dry leaves crunched under foot. Robert tried hard not to think about how it sounded like bones. The graveyard was empty of any other living soul. There wasn’t any other sound, except the crunch of leaves and the occasional call of a pheasant in the trees around the village. Robert felt as though he had reached some kind of state of meditative nirvana as he walked; putting one step in front of another and getting closer to some kind of enlightenment. 

The feeling abandoned him when the names on his parents’ headstones were visible. Suddenly there was little else but a dreadful emptiness and shame. He blew out a long breath and watched the mist from his warm body funnel into the cold air. Eventually, after dragging his eyes too many times across the names—it felt as though the stone itself were scratching his eyes; they were blurry and painful—Robert cleared his throat. He crouched and placed the bunch of flowers on his Mum’s grave. He ran his fingers across her name. ‘Sorry I’ve not been to see you, Mum,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t know if you know what’s gone on, but—’ He ran his hand over his hair until he was gripping the back of his neck. ‘I hope you understand why I’ve not… why I’ve not come back.’ He nodded as if that was enough, and if his Mum knew him, Robert knew that it would be enough for her.

He stayed there for a while, elbows resting on his thighs and his hands clasped between his knees until his calves started to protest. He got to his feet and moved to his Dad’s resting place. He’d got a single red rose and he placed it—still in its plastic casing—on the ground. He stood back. There was a lot he needed to say, and he couldn’t do that if he was in too close proximity to his Dad. 

‘I did come to your funeral,’ he said. He looked over his shoulder and jutted his head at the bridge. ‘I stood over there… watched them lower you into the ground.’ He turned back to the grave. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, though. I felt…’ he shook and lowered his head. ‘I don’t know. I felt cheated, I guess. And hurt.’ Tears gathered and fell, dripping warm and unwanted down his cheeks. ‘You should’ve seen,’ he accused. ‘You should have been able to see it: that I wasn’t happy there, that something wasn’t right.’ He gasped and pushed his fingers to his eyes. ‘Too damn late now, eh? Always too damn late.’

That was it. In the end, he really didn’t have that much to say after all. Because it was too late, wasn’t it? His Dad couldn’t do anything _now_ to make it better. It had happened, and Jack Sugden hadn’t noticed. No one had. And now Jack was gone forever, and Robert had to live with it; all of it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise PROFUSELY for the long wait for this chapter. I had been trying to get a few more chapters of Big Spender out of the way because it was my fun place to frolic for a while! Hopefully this will mark the start of getting back into this one though. Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments left on the previous chapters :)
> 
> Happy reading!

He stayed there until he was sure that there was no evidence for his bout of crying. Not that it mattered: Vic would more than understand him coming back with red rimmed eyes after seeing their parents’ graves after so long away. But the thought of appearing weak and vulnerable in front of anyone didn’t sit well with him anymore; if it ever did.

The village was quiet when he walked back to Keepers, even though it was mid-afternoon. Already he felt the difference in setting deep in his soul. The fresh air, the stone-walled old houses, the front gardens, the _quiet_ of the place all contrasted so deeply with London and what he’d been used to for the past few years. Robert’s feet felt itchy; as though he couldn’t settle. He curled his toes in his shoes as he walked and forced himself to stay put. 

As he opened the front door (another thing about Emmerdale that he had forgotten: people didn’t lock their doors), he heard loud boisterous laughter of a male voice accompanying his sister’s familiar lilt. Clearly Adam was back. Robert narrowed his eyes as he listened, trying to gauge what kind of man had won over his little sister’s heart. Not that anyone would be good enough.

He shut the door behind him, and immediately heard Vic shouting through to him. ‘Rob? Is that you?’

‘Yeah. You should really lock your door you know. Or at least put a security chain or something on.’ He stood in the doorway of the living room and just caught the end of her eye roll.

‘We’re not in London, Rob,’ she said teasingly. It made him smile even as he knew the truth in his own argument. ‘Anyway, c’mere. Want you to meet Adam.’

Robert walked into the room. A young man with black curly hair stood up when Vic gestured frantically at him. He had a kind face and kind eyes which put Robert in mind of a dog. Robert looked him up and down. 

‘Alright, mate?’ Adam said after a nudge from Vic. He held his hand out and Robert eyed it before shaking it. A strong grip—but when Robert squeezed tighter, Adam released—and he knew his place. 

‘You approve then?’ Vic asked. She gripped Adam’s arm between her own and grinned winningly at her brother. 

Robert shrugged. ‘Trust you to find a farmer’s boy, eh? Yeah, he’ll do.’ Adam looked as though he didn’t know whether to be pleased or offended, but it had made Victoria chuckle so that was enough.

Vic smiled at him. ‘Everything all right?’

‘Yeah. Their graves are lookin’ nice. Clean I mean. Tidy.’

‘We clean it up when we can.’

An awkward silence descended, and Robert got the feeling that maybe he had walked in on something when he returned to the house: he had heard Adam’s boisterous laugh and it cut off as soon as he entered. ‘I’m gonna sort out a few things. Final settlements with the divorce.’

His sister nodded. ‘Okay.’ She exchanged a look with Adam. ‘We were thinkin’ about goin’ to the pub for our tea.’

‘Right.’ He looked between them. ‘Is that your way of tellin’ me I have to fend for myself tonight?’

‘No, ‘course not. Just weren’t sure if you were feelin’ up to it, that’s all.’

Robert narrowed his eyes. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

Vic pursed her lips, her large eyes were even wider in clear concern. ‘Just—after the divorce and all. Gossips, y’know? And you haven’t been here for a long time, so… they’re bound to want to know everything.’

‘If they stay away from me, I’ll stay away from them,’ Robert said, with a wave of his hand.

‘Good.’ Her smile was wide, even if a bit strained at the edges, as if it was put on just for show. ‘Well, we’ll give you a shout when we’re ready to leave.’

‘Nice to meet you finally, mate,’ Adam said. Robert didn’t know if he meant it, but at least Adam was making an effort.

‘You too.’

He walked up the stairs, but paused when he heard their quiet voices.

‘He seems all right,’ Adam said.

‘Yeah, he’s great.’ Vic’s voice was distant.

‘What’s up?’

‘No, nothin’. It’s just… he seems I dunno—off. Like something’s wrong.’

‘Babe, he’s just goin’ through a divorce. He’s not gonna be all sunshine and rainbows, is he?’

Vic sighed. ‘No I guess not. Just seems… weird, you know?’

Robert squeezed his eyes shut. He went up to the room, quietly. 

A good two hours passed before his sister called him. He’d got through a lot of paperwork in that time, mostly going through the divorce settlements, and agreements about who got what. To her credit, Chrissie didn’t fight him on the terms he had laid out. He’d be getting a sum of money through soon, which would tide him over in looking for a new place. 

He wet his face in the bathroom, trying to wake himself up after the paperwork. Working through that had at least taken his mind off his parents, but now that he’d stopped the thoughts were fighting for his attention again; his eyes kept seeing the flowers on the graves. He shook himself and tried on a smile which he’d show Vic. She was already worried about him and only a day had passed. 

The pub stood there like a bear trap: silent but waiting with wide, crushing jaws. Robert swallowed back an irrational surge of fear. Maybe Vic was right: maybe he wasn’t ready for this.

As soon as he’d thought it, her small, comforting hand was on his arm. ‘You all right?’ she asked. ‘We don’t have to do this.’ It would have been easy to say no. To tell her that actually, he wasn’t as ready as he thought he was. But it was the pity in the end that did it. Not so much from her, but from Adam—a man that he barely knew _pitied_ him. Robert squared his shoulders. He was Robert bloody Sugden. He could do this.

‘Yeah, I’m good. And I’m starving.’

He half expected the punters to look around at him when the door swung open, like something out of a western movie. They expected the noise to stop, and then for gradual whispers to take up once he had found his seat. A few people looked; not all. Not yet anyway. The pub was warm. It was every inch the country watering hole Robert remembered, except where he recalled elderly ladies talking over Sherries and old men spilling lager down their chins, now there were more young people sipping wine and wiping beer foam off their top lips. It put him slightly more at ease: these young people didn’t know him. They didn’t know the things he had done, the troubles he had caused. They wouldn’t be looking for idle gossip about where he had disappeared off to, and why he kept fiddling with the place that a wedding ring should have been on his finger.

Vic pushed him gently to one of the tables in the corner of the room. ‘Here’s all right, yeah?’

‘Yeah. Fine.’ He wanted to tell her to stop treating him like fine china, like something that would shatter with a push too far. But he’d been away so long and was likely so different from the person she once knew that he couldn’t really blame her for being careful with him. Probably time to eradicate that notion. He cleared his throat. ‘I’ll order,’ he said.

Again, Vic and Adam exchanged a look. ‘You don’t have to,’ she said.

‘No, I know I don’t. But I’m payin’—don’t argue, Vic, I want to thank you both for letting me stop at yours. I’m payin’, so I’ll order.’ He nodded at their menus. ‘Go on. Anything you like.’

They still looked uncertain, but Adam uttered a modest ‘Cheers, Rob,’ and perused his menu. Vic followed suit only after giving Robert another of those concerned wide-eyed glances.

It didn’t take them long to decide. Robert went up to the bar, each step feeling like his feet were weighed with cement, and focused on what he had to order instead of whether or not people were staring at him. He stood at the bar and waited for his serve, wincing when he realised Chas Dingle was still there, still boisterous and with an attitude to match. 

‘You’re Robert, yeah?’

Robert blinked and looked around to see who had spoken. His mind lit up with interest at the young man with black hair and beard, and stunning blue eyes. ‘What?’ he said, his brain momentarily side-tracked by the look of the man.

‘I said: you’re Robert Sudgen, right?’

Immediately, Robert interest faded. So much for the young people not gossiping about him. ‘Yeah, what’s it to you?’ he said, fully aware of how nasty he was being. ‘Look, I don’t care if you’ve got nothin’ better to do with your time but talk about people you barely know, just keep me out of it, all right?’

The young man’s eyes flashed dangerously. ‘I’m a friend of your sister actually, you smug git.’ He stood up straight. ‘Where the hell do you get off thinkin’ you can talk to strangers like that?’

Robert, to his credit, felt shame rush through his body, but he’d be damned if he’d let it show. ‘Well, you’ve been living here your whole life, haven’t you? Don’t know what kind of thing you’re into.’

The man squared his shoulders and Robert readied himself for a fight and was surprised when he felt _exhilarated_ by the thought, when Vic stood between them. ‘Is everything okay?’ 

‘Yeah, just got introduced to your brother. You didn’t tell me what an idiot he was, Vic.’

His sister rounded on the man. ‘Oi! That’s my brother you’re talkin’ about!’ But it fell on deaf ears: he had already walked off to join Adam at their table. She shook her head and huffed. ‘Sorry. That’s Aaron. Adam’s best mate.’

Robert nodded. _Aaron_. ‘A plain-speaker, isn’t he?’

‘Yep. That’s part of his charm though.’ She nodded at Chas who was waiting to take their order. Her eyes were hard as they looked at Robert.

‘Plain-speaking like his Mum,’ she said, without taking her eyes off Robert.

‘That’s _your_ son?!’

‘It is. So be careful what you say about him.’ She started to pour a pint. ‘Didn’t expect to see you back,’ she said. ‘Hoped you wouldn’t actually.’

‘Chas!’ Vic admonished.

‘Sorry, love,’ she sounded anything but. ‘But we don’t need trouble-makers in our village anymore.’

Robert rolled his eyes. ‘Please. There’ll always be trouble-makers in this place as long as your lot are around.’

‘Rob!’

Chas smirked. ‘I see boarding school didn’t teach you anything by way of _manners_.’

It was instant. The mention of boarding school, and Robert immediately shut down. His mind drew a blank, and he couldn’t think about anything else. ‘I don’t have to listen to this,’ he said quietly. He left the pub, felt Vic’s eyes on him all the way to the door, but if she shouted for him he didn’t hear. There was a rush in his ears like the sound of the sea. He felt like he was drowning. He stumbled down the road, had to bend double, hands on knees, and breathe steadily before he could walk again.

Even here. Even here, far enough away from the school, surrounded by memories older than those two brief years there, he still couldn’t escape. 

Robert crashed through the door of Keepers and lurched upstairs. He made it to the bathroom and sunk to his knees, expecting to be sick. Nothing happened. He breathed deep, tried to concentrate on that. The door downstairs opened.

‘Robert? Rob!’

Eyes wide, he scrambled into his room just before Vic came upstairs and knocked on his door. ‘I’m getting changed, Vic!’ he shouted.

‘Come on, don’t let Chas get to you!’

He shook his head. ‘It’s not… look, just leave it all right?’ She pushed the door open. ‘Vic! I told you I was changing!’

‘Why are you still dressed then?’ she challenged. She took his hand and led him to the bed to sit next to her. ‘Don’t listen to her, yeah? Just… come back to the pub. Have a meal with us.’

He scoffed. ‘I’m not goin’ back there now. Not after that.’

‘Okay. Well I’ll stay here with you then.’

‘No, you won’t.’ He sighed. ‘Seriously, Vic, just go back and have your tea with your husband.’ He tried on a smile for her. ‘I’m just tired, that’s all. I’ll make a sandwich and then go to sleep.’

‘But—’

‘Please, Vic. I’ll feel loads better knowing you haven’t put your night on hold for me.’ He nodded until she bit her lip and conceded, though she didn’t look pleased with the decision.

‘If you need anything at all, just call me yeah?’

‘Will do.’ She kissed him on the forehead, just like their Mum used to do. ‘Go and have a good night,’ he said. ‘And uh—tell Adam sorry. I didn’t mean to insult his friend.’ She raised an impressed eyebrow—it wasn’t like him to apologise for anything—but said nothing. She squeezed his hand before she left, leaving his bedroom door open.

As soon as she’d left, he let his head fall back and took deep shuddering breaths.

_…boarding school didn’t teach you anything by way of manners…_

He gulped and bit back a wave of bile. He needed rest, and he needed to take his mind off everything. He used to have sleeping pills, years ago when sleep eluded him too much. Then he had Chrissie, and she was a good source of distraction. Then, when things got too much he had to resort to something else. And that something else was drink. Maybe… maybe a drink would help now.

He’d packed a bottle of whisky in his bag just in case. He uncapped it and took a swig. Then another. And another…

**** 

_Corridors. Whispers. Robert moved through them with his head held high. Then the lights went off. Robert curled in on himself. The end of the corridor was in sight: nearly there. He’d be safe in the dorm._

_The quicker he moved, the further away the exit was._

_Then his feet were frozen in place. A brush of warm air on his neck, in his ear._

__‘You’re mine, Robert Sugden.’

**** 

He was downstairs with coffee in hand before he heard movement from Vic and Adam’s room. He’d not slept well, and when he had his sleep was broken by sinister dreams. The drink had helped only so much, and he’d only got through quarter of the bottle until his body called it a day and gave in to tiredness. His face was pale when he looked at it in the mirror that morning. He’d splashed cold water on himself, then had a shower. After that he felt a bit more alive. He concentrated on everything he was doing, listing off his movements as he did them, not letting his mind wander into other territory. Even now, he counted seconds, reviewed the day ahead of him, calculated how many more mugs of coffee he’d need before he felt properly awake.

‘Not enough coffee in the world,’ he muttered. He drained the last few dregs, rinsed his mug off and left it on the draining board. The air outside the cottage was cold, a contrast to the heat inside. Robert shivered and pulled his coat around his neck. People were already up and about: unloading goods for the shop, signing deliveries for the pub, joggers and their dogs, and Bob already setting up the outside chairs for the café, not that anyone sat there too much in this kind of weather.

The small garage door was open and Robert knocked twice before entering. Cain was at a table, facing the doorway, but reading through a few sheets of paper.

‘Is that the contract?’ Robert asked, pointing to the sheets.

Cain looked at him, checked his watch, sighed and then nodded. ‘Cleared it with Debs last night.’ He turned to the last page of the contract, scanning it over and then handing it to Robert. ‘You’re lucky that she’s forgiving, Sugden.’

‘Aren’t I,’ he said under his breath. He read it through and was surprised by how well put together it was. It detailed everything from what proportion of income was dealt between them to holiday allowances to severance of the contract should the need arise. ‘Pen?’ he asked. If Cain was surprised at Robert’s readiness to sign without trying to wangle extra money or perks, it didn’t show. Robert handed the contract back. ‘I’m gonna need a copy of that,’ he said.

The older man gave him a look. ‘I know how this works.’ He folded his arms and leant back against the table. It was still a bit early for any of the staff to turn up, so Robert made himself comfortable as well. ‘Shift-wise and work-wise, I expect you to pull your weight. Just because you get manicures now or whatever, don’t expect any special treatment.’

Robert smirked in spite of himself. ‘Don’t worry—I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.’ He didn’t follow it up with the obvious remark: it was his first day; had to save something.

‘Shift-wise, I’ve not detailed how it’s gonna work. But obviously you’ll be here all the time, same as me.’

‘What happened to not wanting to work alongside me?’

‘We’re grown-ups; I think we’ll handle it.’ He nodded outside at someone. ‘First task of the day: stick kettle on, make us a brew.’

‘Uh, I’m not some lackey,’ Robert snapped.

‘What’s this? A new boy starting?’ Robert immediately recognised the voice and he whirled around. Aaron stood there in his overalls and a smirk, which fell from his face when he realised who the ‘new boy’ was. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve hired him?’ he said.

Robert grinned; he couldn’t help himself. ‘I’m your new boss, actually.’

‘Co-boss,’ Cain reminded him. ‘Would introduce you, but it seems like you’ve already met my nephew.’

‘Nephew?’ Robert yelped.

Now it was Aaron’s turn to smirk. ‘Yeah, so be careful what you say, eh?’ He moved past Robert, to the mugs and kettle. Robert couldn’t help but follow him with his eyes, looking up and down Aaron’s form which was hugged by the blue overalls. If nothing else, he supposed, it could be a distraction from everything else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry about the wait for this chapter. Unfortunately real life has been hectic right now. I hope you all enjoy reading this update, and thank you all for your kudos and comments!

There was something almost cathartic about working in a place that he could be a bit more hands on. It was a source of distraction which sometimes office work just couldn't touch. Robert felt Cain’s eyes on him through the first few hours, and Robert imagined that the man was just waiting for him to mess up in some way. So he kept his head down for the first few hours, was polite to customers and even more polite to the two Dingles, even though he heard comments passed between uncle and nephew about how Robert was just another businessman. ‘Finger in too many pies, even though he doesn't know a thing about them.’

He felt Aaron's eyes on him as well, and the times that Robert returned his look, the young man didn't back down. His eyes were steely, as if they were judging him. It made Robert itch under his own skin. When Aaron knocked into his shoulder whilst carrying motor oil, Robert snarled. ‘Watch it!’

Aaron just shrugged. ‘Not my fault you got in the way, mate.’ 

A retort danced on the tip of Robert’s tongue, but then he saw the glare that Cain levelled at him, and he bit it back. Aaron looked surprised for a brief second, but then he covered it. Robert just shook his head and stalked off to the car he was working on. It was only his first day: he didn't want to disappoint Vic by making enemies of her husband’s best friend just yet.

It was close to midday when Robert felt himself flagging. His mind was scrambled: voices whispering and conjuring memories in the space between songs on the radio or a lapse in conversation. He felt strung out, too heavy and unwell. His brain dragged like mud through the things he had to do, the work he had to carry out. Sometimes he looked up and caught Aaron staring at him, once or twice with a concerned furrow on his brow. Robert ignored him.

The radio voices turned into memories of the past. His nerves were too frayed. The slightest thing would tear any hold on reality he had—

‘You're doin’ that wrong, mate.’

Aaron was looking over Robert’s shoulder, inspecting the work he was doing. Robert clenched his jaw and stopped a flinch echoing through his body. Aaron took his silence as permission to continue. ‘If you wire it that way, they're gonna come back to us in a fortnight. You wanna close the circuit with—’

‘If I wanted your opinion on how to fix cars I'd ask for it,’ Robert interrupted unkindly. ‘I do know how to do my job. Besides, putting dodgy cars on the road must be something of a Dingle speciality, mustn't it?’

Aaron made to step towards him and once again Robert’s body thrummed with some kind of twisted need the way it had last night in the pub when he thought Aaron would punch him. But he was stopped by Cain’s shout. ‘Oi! If there's something this place doesn't need, it's you two carryin’ on.’ He glowered at each of them in turn. ‘Sort it out or get out, Sugden.’

_‘You know the rules at this school, Sugden.’_

He breathed deep. ‘Sorry.’ Once again Aaron looked surprised at Robert’s capitulation, but everything was just this side of too loud, and Robert couldn't really stand it. He dropped the pliers and rag on the bench. ‘I'm stepping out for lunch.’

He heard Cain’s protests, and Aaron telling his uncle to leave it as Robert left. He crossed the road to Bob’s and sat outside, resting his head in his hands. It was ridiculous: everything had happened _years_ ago. Why was it still a problem? How could it still be interrupting his life and haunting him? 

‘Can I get you anything?’

Robert jumped. ‘What?’

The woman's smile dropped ever so slightly at his tone. ‘If you're sitting here, you'll have to order something. Customers only, I'm afraid.’

He was about to unleash a retaliation when Aaron ambled to the table, hands shoved into his pockets and a disinterested look on his face, far from the expression he'd worn as Robert was leaving the garage. ‘It's alright, Brenda. He was just waiting for me. Two coffees, ta.’

The woman—Brenda apparently—looked between them as if trying to guess the nature of their relationship. Aaron huffed. ‘We only get an hour for lunch, Brenda.’ She caught herself, though wasn't apologetic, and disappeared back inside. Aaron shook his head and sat opposite Robert. They were silent for a moment, and Robert didn't meet Aaron's eyes. ‘So,’ Aaron said. ‘You gonna tell me what that was about in there?’ He nodded his head in the direction of the garage.

Robert looked down at his hands, then at the table top. ‘I don't need someone telling me how to do my job,’ he seethed. ‘I've worked cars for years.’

‘Yeah, during the summer or whatever,’ Aaron said. ‘I'm fully qualified, mate. I know what I'm doin’. And I'm proud of my family, no matter what you have to say about them.’

‘Dingles always stick together, in more ways than one.’

‘What's your problem, seriously?! Y’know, I was tryin’ to be helpful in there. What, you too arrogant or snobbish to accept help from someone like me?’

‘Yeah, you're a proper Samaritan, aren't you?’

Aaron stood so quickly he rattled the entire table. ‘I don't need this.’ He threw a tenner on the table. ‘Enjoy the coffee. Hope it's good enough for you.’

‘Wait!’

Aaron stopped. 

For a moment, even whilst he'd been criticising Robert, Aaron had made the memories howling through Robert's mind quieten. He swallowed his pride. ‘I'm sorry. It's been a long few weeks. Please just… just wait for your coffee at least.’

The man's eyes studied Robert; studied something deeper than just the sincere expression on his face. Then without a word, he returned to his seat. Robert's shoulders dropped a little in relief. He didn't know Aaron, didn't owe him anything. But the way he had called Robert on his crap, the way he spoke to him and wasn't about to take any of his nonsense… it was exciting. It cleared his mind, for a few blissful moments. 

Brenda returned with their coffees and gratefully accepted the money that Aaron handed her.

‘So,’ Aaron said. ‘What is your problem? I bet it's hard to pronounce.’

Robert stirred his coffee mindlessly. ‘Rough few weeks.’

‘Yeah, so you said.’ He shrugged. ‘Dunno if it gives you a free pass to just talk to anyone the way you want though.’

‘Like you can talk?’ Robert retorted. ‘I heard you with that customer this morning, mouthing off.’

‘Yeah, well you'd wound me up by then.’

Robert smirked in spite of himself. ‘No free passes.’

Aaron bit his lip to hide a smile, but Robert caught a glimpse of it anyway. 

They went their separate ways ten minutes later: Robert to the pub to see Vic, and Aaron to meet up with Adam somewhere. Robert found himself looking forward to getting back to work, to see if anything was different in the way Aaron spoke to him. He was disappointed when Aaron just gave him a nod of the head when he returned to the garage. 

****

Cain had buggered off somewhere. Aaron told Robert that he had to get used to that, to which Robert rolled his eyes. ‘This would never would have done for London, you know.’

‘Good thing we're in Emmerdale then, isn't it?’ Aaron threw the dirty rag he'd used to wipe his oily hands with at Robert, smirking when it hit him fair in the face. 

‘Mature, Aaron, really.’ He couldn't help grinning though, as he disappeared out back to wash his face. He heard the crunch of gravel under tyres and, knowing that Aaron was more than capable, stayed for a moment lingering over the sink and letting water drip from his cheek. He cupped a handful and splashed it over his face. Then he heard shouting.

‘Look, mate, I'm just sayin’ that I'm the only one workin’ today.’

Robert walked slowly to the front and saw Aaron facing off against a man about his age, who was holding himself aggressively. ‘What, just you is it?’ 

Aaron thumbed behind him. ‘The boss is out back.’

‘Get him then! Not lettin’ my car be seen to by someone like you.’

Robert took that as his cue. ‘Is everything alright?’

‘This your boss?’ Aaron nodded. ‘Need my car looked at.’

‘You've come to the right place,’ Robert said. ‘And Aaron is the best we've got so—’

‘Nah, mate. Not havin’ someone like _him_ near me.’

Aaron was thrumming with energy next to Robert. ‘Feeling’s mutual, mate.’ The customer lurched at Aaron, and Robert stepped in front of him.

‘I think that's enough,’ he said, voice low. ‘Your money isn't worth that much to us. Mate.’ The man looked Robert up and down, sizing him up and deciding, one way or another that it wasn't worth it. He sped off in a cloud of dust and rattling engine. ‘Regular ray of sunshine.’

Aaron snorted. ‘He's been coming here for months.’

‘And you haven't told anyone about the way he spoke to you?’

He shrugged. ‘Dan doesn't want the aggro, Ross doesn't care, and I don't tell Cain. It's not a big deal.’

‘Yeah well… I can't stand bullies. Had my fair share of them back in school.’

‘What, posh school like that and you had the same problems as us plebs?’

‘I didn't _ask_ to get sent there! But yeah, we had the same problems.’ He avoided Aaron's eye and the way he knew the young man was angling to get more out of him.

****

The next morning, he went straight to Bob’s and—after making an educated guess about what Aaron would like—bought an Americana and a latte. He was just unlocking the garage when Aaron rocked up. He held the latte out to him, and Aaron frowned at it. 

‘What's this?’

‘Coffee, genius.’

Aaron rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah thanks. But why?’

Robert shrugged. ‘Returning the favour when you bought mine yesterday? Peace offering after we got off on the wrong foot? Take your pick.’

The younger man bit his bottom lip. ‘Okay. Well, thanks.’ Aaron cleared his throat. ‘And thanks. For yesterday. Not many blokes would step in like that.’

‘Like I told you, I don't like bullies.’

Dan introduced himself when he walked in ten minutes late, and Robert took a moment to tell him that nothing had changed: just because there was another boss, didn't mean the staff could turn up whenever they liked. Robert caught Dan rolling his eyes at Aaron, but chose to ignore it.

‘So Cain reckons you've worked here before,’ Dan said, after a few hours of working in silence. 

It took Robert a moment to realise that he was speaking to him. ‘During summer, between terms. And I used to live here.’

‘Oh yeah, I knew that,’ Dan waved that off. ‘Everyone's heard about you, mate.’

‘What do you mean?’ His voice was panicked. How could they have known?

Dan shrugged. ‘Just that you used to break hearts left, right and centre.’ He started talking about all the stories he'd heard from Cain, or what Kerry had heard at the factory. Robert's heart beat returned to normal as he realised that Dan wasn't talking about the boarding school.

Aaron approached him tentatively when Dan was busy with a customer. ‘You alright?’ he asked. ‘Don't pay any attention to Dan, he's harmless.’

‘What?’

‘Just seems like you don't like gossiping.’

He licked his dry lips. ‘It's not that. I mean, I don't like gossiping either I guess, but… it's nothing.’

Aaron looked thoughtful. ‘It's just… I know what it's like to be talked about. Had my fair share of it a few years ago. So, if you want a break from it or anything—’ he held his arms out and a small smile graced his lips.

‘Thanks. That's good to know.’

****

‘How long have you been here?’

They were sitting on the steps of the cottage next door at lunchtime. Robert hadn't expected company, but he'd been pleasantly surprised when Aaron joined him with a sarcastic slant to his mouth and proclaimed him better than nothing whilst Adam was at work. 

Aaron swallowed his mouthful of food and wiped crumbs from his beard. ‘About eight years, off and on.’

‘You left for a while then?’

When Aaron just nodded, Robert didn't push for details. They both had their secrets it seemed. Aaron just said, ‘went to France for a bit, with my boyfriend at the time.’

The look he shot Robert was challenging, as if daring him to say something about his sexuality. Robert just nodded. ‘You must be fluent in French then?’

Aaron huffed a laugh which was dipped in relief. ‘Nah. Couldn't quite grasp it. I can say hello, and order a beer—’

‘Of course.’

‘But other than that…I didn't really stick around long enough to learn a lot.’ He nudged Robert. ‘But what about you, and your posh school, eh?’

A solid rock of dread settled in Robert's stomach. He looked down at his hands and did his best to avoid lingering on the subject. ‘It wasn't as posh as you probably think. My dad sent me when I was sixteen. Thought it would sort me out.’

Aaron nodded. ‘Vic told me some stuff.’

‘Oh yeah? Surprised you haven't run a mile.’

‘Should I?’

A slow grin spread on Robert's face. ‘Guess you'll have to find out.’

****

Robert went to bed early on Friday night. Vic and Adam were curled around each other on the sofa, and although they moved apart when he showed his face, he gave them a grimacing smile (she _was_ his little sister after all, and there were some things an older brother didn't need to see or hear) and excused himself upstairs.

He showered and dressed for bed and settled down under the duvet. His phone lit up with a message. He was expecting one from his solicitor, though it was a little late in the day for business messages, and unlocked his phone. He went cold. It was a message from one of the boys—man now—from boarding school; a group message, which was getting shocked emojis and replies of disgust. He clicked the link in the message, running on autopilot, his brain having blocked any emotions. 

**_LOCAL MAN ARRESTED AS ABUSE CLAIMS FILED_**  
**Professor Trevor Winston was today arrested following his retirement as a teacher in a boarding school, the details of which have been withheld to protect the students currently studying there. This arrest was made on the back of claims of sexual misconduct in the school towards teenage boys. Evidence has yet to be gathered, but the families of the boys who made the complaints have spoken of their hope for a conviction.**

Robert read, feeling numb. Until he scrolled further and saw the man's face: an old photo, Robert remembered the face, the smile, how kind he appeared, how sincere. His stomach turned and he leapt from the bed, sprinting to the bathroom and throwing up into the toilet, over and over until he was dry heaving.

‘Robert?’ Victoria's footsteps hurried upstairs. She touched his back and he flinched. ‘Hey, hey it's okay. It's okay.’

He spat one last time, and breathed. His vision swam with tears. His head pounded. He made up some excuse about something he ate, flinched with each kind word out of his sister’s mouth and with each kind pat on the shoulder or rub of his back. 

Her and Adam’s eyes were concerned, and his walls rushed up again. He coughed delicately. ‘I'm fine,’ he insisted. He talked about the stress of the divorce, about how Aaron had forced Chas’s cooking on him at lunch time, laughed about it until they lost the concerned gleam, until they let him go back to bed.

His phone kept lighting up with messages as people responded to the news article. Robert turned his phone off. He still saw the man's face.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> The title is a line from 'Hunger of the pine' by Alt-j


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